Mikhael Ahmad struggled to make sense of his life and his faith. Born in Pakistan and raised in a mixed faith family, he later embraced Roman Catholicism. After doing a retreat, he felt called to a different path and joined the Society of Jesus (Jesuits). He subsequently spent two years as a Novice, culminating with First Vows - the ultimate commitment to Jesuit life. He is currently in Paris, where he wrote this blog about the next stage of his formation journey.

A lot has happened since I wrote my last blog about the transition I experienced from the novitiate and first vows, to being missioned for studies in France.

Three years have passed since then and it is interesting to look back and reflect on what it means to “be missioned’. How I have been affected by my studies in theology and philosophy (notably in a language that is not my own - French), by my apostolate, and of course by the surprises, difficulties and joys that inevitably come on any journey?

There has been an image which has been coming to me frequently during these past few weeks as I have thought about how and what I would share in this reflection. This image, which comes from an experience of the Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius of Loyola (more precisely during the contemplation on the “Call of the King” during the second week), where upon accepting the call to serve, Jesus put his arm around me and said: “Now, this is not going to be easy, but I will be with you always”.

I have found that I need to pray often for the grace of freedom and discernment. That is, to know and not be too attached to those things that provide me security and comfort. Freedom and discernment, in this sense, allows me to be more open to accept the invitation of being missioned in places where, perhaps, I would not have expected myself to go. These prayers offer me much direction and consolation.

It is important to trust and to make sure that my attention is always on the one who has promised to be there throughout all of it. It is in acknowledging and being open to that real presence of Jesus, making sure that He is at the centre of my mission, that everything else flows. The reality, however, is that I have experienced both sides of this coin during my time here in France.

It is through struggling with my prayer rhythm, discernment and focus on Jesus (having stumbled at times into confusion and desolation), that I can see how dependent I am on the Lord to live my vocation well. It can be easy to get distracted, and to be overwhelmed by pressures and difficulties. However, the answer, I have learned, is not to try and carry it all myself through my own meagre efforts, but rather to surrender that which I simply cannot do to the one who can.

No matter how far one may think one has “wandered from the path”, or how seemingly “insurmountable” a challenge is; there is Jesus, always closer than I think.

Part of being on mission at this stage of my formation involves having an apostolate, which I engage with alongside my studies. For the last year and a half, I have been warmly welcomed to work with the Missionary Brothers of Charity here in Paris. It is here that, as a volunteer, I help the Brothers welcome and serve the poorest of the poor, providing breakfast, haircuts, showers and practical items, such as clothing. We also head out into the streets of Paris to look for those most in need. The focus of this work is to also offer that “human encounter” through conversation. It is very much a service of listening and offering one’s presence to the other without judgement or demand.

While challenging at times, working with the poor has been a real gift. The words that echo within me are those of Pope Francis who said that: “You [the poor] give to me, Jesus himself1”. This indeed has been a “golden thread”, ever-present throughout my time in this work. It has been through their words, their gestures, their genuine and heartfelt prayers and their faces that I have witnessed their capacity to illuminate a very real image of Christ to me.

Alongside my apostolate, I have found myself attracted to pastoral theology, which I am studying at Centre Serves, although there have been challenges learning this in a foreign language. I would laugh at times during that first year at the sheer frustration of knowing what I wanted to say, but simply not being able to find the words to express myself! I had to keep in mind though that this challenge was the same for all of us who had arrived in France with little to no French.

Despite the difficulties so far, adopting a grateful and prayerful attitude has helped me to notice how much I had already received from God, rather than what I “supposedly” lacked. I was able to see and appreciate little victories each day. Those moments where I could understand or express myself well in a foreign language, and gratitude at the fact that I was able to have access to thinkers and authors of whom I would never have encountered before. Moreover, grateful to have the opportunity to encounter people from very different walks of life.

Br Mikhael Ahmad SJ

You can watch a short film about Br Mikhael's journey here. If you would like more information about becoming a Jesuit please click here.